


Found Familiar

by Angel Ascending (angel_in_ink)



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: A Little Bit of Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Frumpkin is Best Therapy Cat Right From The Start, Gen, Sometimes The Universe Gives You What You Don't Think You Deserve In The Best Way, Spoilers for Episode 18 of Campaign 2 of Critical Role, backstory speculation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2018-05-17
Packaged: 2019-05-08 09:15:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14691030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angel_in_ink/pseuds/Angel%20Ascending
Summary: Permanently dismissing their familiars was their first test of loyalty, Caleb realizes later. Trent had told them that familiars were a frivolous use of magic, useful for spying and not much else, and weren’t they, his special children, better than spies?





	Found Familiar

**Author's Note:**

> So someone on Talks Machina this week asked Liam if Caleb was worried that Trent Ikithon would recognize Frumpkin and Liam said no, because Caleb summoned Frumpkin for the first time *after* leaving the asylum. Which made me wonder if Caleb had a familiar *before* that happened, and well, here we are.
> 
> Forgive me if I spelled Eodwulf’s name wrong and feel free to gently correct me in the comments if I have, I was working off a transcript of that part of the episode and that's how it was spelled there.

Permanently dismissing their familiars was their first test of loyalty, Caleb realizes later. Trent had told them that familiars were a frivolous use of magic, useful for spying and not much else, and weren’t they, his _special_ children, better than spies?

Caleb still remembers, because he can’t forget. There was Astrid’s golden feathered owl with the silver eyes, Blodwyn, who had always watched over the girl and had often sat on Astrid’s shoulder when she was studying. There had been  Eodwulf’s ink black raven, Stolas, who played lookout when Caleb and Eodwulf snuck off to steal kisses in dark corners. Caleb’s familiar, Zel, had been a weasel with eyes as green as the grass in the Feywild, who had loved to curl up in the pockets of Caleb’s coat and to drape himself around Caleb’s neck like a scarf. Zel, who had been quick and clever and who Caleb had loved as a companion and friend, and who Caleb had dismissed without a word or another thought, because Trent had told him to.

It’s a small sin, in comparison to everything else, but it still weighs heavy on Caleb’s heart as he kneels and puts the brazier in the middle of the floor of the small room he’s rented for the night. The brazier had been the hardest component of the spell to find, and eventually Caleb had simply stolen one from a shrine to the Lawbearer in the last town he had been in. He already knows he is not favored of the gods, ( _his village_ _had thought otherwise, thought him lucky and blessed)_ this one theft will not make the scales against him heavier than they already are.

The charcoal had been easiest component to obtain, of course. Apply fire to wood, so easy a child could do it.

_The house had burned so fast, it hadn’t seemed real at first, a nightmare that his mother would wake him up from, except it was no nightmare and his mother was screaming and his father was screaming and their screams broke the silence, broke his heart, broke his mind—_

Caleb puts the charcoal in the brazier with hands that shake, and stares at the black marks it makes on his hands for a small eternity before reaching for the next component.

Finding enough high quality incense had been a trial, it was not an item in high demand in the small towns he had approached. Large towns would maybe have given him better results, but large towns had too many people, too much noise, were just _too much._ So he had ended up stealing the incense as well, taking it from shrines where people left it to the priests and the gods as offerings.

Caleb places the incense on top of the charcoal. If he believed in the gods, (he knows they are real, he just doesn’t _believe_ in them) maybe now was when he should pray for forgiveness, but he does not. It was not the gods he needed forgiveness from.

Some of the herbs he had bought with what little coin he had managed to pick from pockets, or con or beg from people. A lot of the herbs though, he had found those himself as he had traveled through woods and clearings, heading south, heading _away_. He had remembered his mother telling him ( _because_ _he can’t forget, never ever ever)_ about herbs and their uses, and how amazed she had been that he remembered everything she had told him down to the smallest detail. She had called him clever, called him bright.

Caleb is careful not to let his tears fall into the brazier as he crumbles the herbs on top of the charcoal and the incense. Tears are not a component of the spell.

Caleb uses flint and steel to light the brazier, not his magic, too powerful, too deadly by far for this simple task, and begins speaking the words that will summon a familiar to him. It is not a quick spell to cast, nor should it be. Caleb closes his eyes, imagines his words leaving him and echoing out across dimensions, calling out to the spirits of those that chose to serve wizards.

Some wizards, Caleb knows, ask for certain types of familiars, certain shapes, celestial, fiend, or fae, lizard or bat or spider. Caleb does not ask for what he wants, because he knows in his heart he doesn’t deserve the things he desires. He does not deserve a companion who will not judge him, he does not deserve anything that will ease his loneliness or give him comfort. He is disgusting and wretched, a coward, a burnt out husk of a man. His heart is filled with guilt and shame and self-loathing, and he does not deserve anything good, he knows this.

Caleb’s heart is also filled with selfishness and spite. He does not deserve a familiar but he _wants_ one, wants to get back at least one thing he let be taken from him. He will use this small magic to regain a familiar. Later, through study and searching, he hopes to find a magic that will let him take back everything else.

An hour passes, and Caleb finishes the last words of the spell and opens his eyes. There is a brief moment, _(five seconds precisely)_ where nothing happens, and Caleb is sure that the magic has failed somehow, that no familiar had answered his summons, that even the sprits know that he does not deserve them. And then the smoke from the brazier coalesces, solidifies, and all Caleb can do is stare.

The cat before him has black markings, stripes and spots dark against orange fur. His tail flicks back and forth and when his golden eyes meet Caleb’s the cat makes a little _mmrrrrrp_ sound and trots over to him, rubbing his face against Caleb’s knee.

“You look just like a cat I had when I was small,” Caleb says softly. He does not deserve this, he _doesn’t_ , but magic has seen fit to give him what he wanted most, and maybe that is a sign of things to come, maybe it’s the universe telling him that what he _truly_ desires is possible. “Her name was Frumpkin. Do you—do you mind if I call you that?”

The cat, Frumpkin, responds with a long, drawn out _mraaaaaaah_ and gently headbutts Caleb’s hand, demanding to be petted. Caleb sinks both hands into Frumpkin’s soft fur and the cat closes his eyes and purrs loudly. Caleb realizes that he is weeping, but he does not stop petting Frumpkin to wipe the tears away. Instead he picks up Frumpkin, holding him close, burying his face in the cat’s fur.

“I will never dismiss you like I did Zel,” Caleb promises in a whisper. “We will be together always.”

Frumpkin purrs harder as if in response. Caleb sobs and, just for a moment, lets himself be loved.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm angel-ascending over on Tumblr if y'all want to stop by and say hi!


End file.
